“Curiouser and curiouser!”
~ Alice In Wonderland ~
What do see when you look at yourself?
Being self-reflective is the act of thinking, exploring, having openness and curiosity.
It’s about looking at how we think, speak, act, behave and looking at our motivations that drives us to do what we do.
It’s looking inward and asking ourselves questions.
It’s being introspective.
It’s being explorative.
I think the act of self-reflection is like the story of Alice in Wonderland. She was curious, curious to follow the white rabbit to find out why. Why was he late? What was he late for? Where was he going?
It can be unnerving going down that rabbit hole because you don’t know what you are going to see along the way. But once you start, you’ll be one step closer to discovering who you are, why you are the way you are, and you’ll be in the perfect position to make changes to become the person you want to be.
WHY PRACTICE SELF-REFLECTION?
It can be uncomfortable looking at ourselves. It can be confronting, sometimes jarring. But it is enlightening as well. Self-reflection isn’t only about looking at our thoughts, behaviours and motivations that are negative, it’s about looking at our positive ones as well. It provides a healthier way of addressing ourselves and improving on those areas that we deem are not suitable to how we want to be. It gives us an openness and a curiosity into who we are. It gives us an acceptance of our strengths and our abilities. It gives us a platform to then change what we want to change and enhance what we want to enhance.
Self-reflection and self-awareness are closely related.
Self-reflection is the action of thinking about our actions, reactions and motivations.
Self-awareness is a state; it’s a level of understanding you have about your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
HOW TO PRACTICE SELF-REFLECTION?
When I have a thought, when I say something, when I do something I look at:
Why did I think that? Why did I say that? Why did I do that?
What was the motivation behind that? What was the origin of that behaviour?
Do I like it? Do I not like it?
Do I want to change that? How can I change that?
When I became a mother, I vowed to live by example. That is a steeper hill to climb that it may appear at first glance. I look at every single thing I do and I ask myself, “would I want my daughter to do the same?” “is this a good example to set?”
Children come out almost blank canvases. They copy what we do and what we say. They take on board how we treat ourselves, others, how we treat them, and they can take it as gospel. They do what we do and if what we are portraying isn’t healthy then that flows onto them. You don’t realise your personal bias, the influence your upbringing had on you, or how your experiences have shaped you quite like becoming a parent.
One night my daughter and I were eating dinner and she told me was full. She had barely touched her plate and my immediate reflex was to snap. I frowned at her and told her she needed to eat more. She started to whine and told me she was too full and didn’t want to eat anymore and wanted to leave the table. My instinctual reaction to that was to flare with anger. Thankfully, years of being self-reflective and self-aware, I took a breath and stopped. I sat there, I looked at her, trying to calm the storm decimating my brain. I had no idea why I was feeling so angry. I let her leave the table and play while I continued to sit there staring at my plate like an idiot not having any idea why I had such a visceral reaction to her telling me she didn’t want to eat anymore.
(TRIGGER WARNING) While sitting there and frowning I reflected on my upbringing. I remembered what would happen when I declared the same thing to my parents and the dread that would come over me, even though all I wanted was to not eat anymore. I was yelled at, and more, and was never excused from the table until I ate everything, made to feel guilty because there were “starving children in the world” and I was punished. I was always made to feel blame, shame and ungrateful for simply being full. It was years of this, including the addition of a wooden spoon being hung near our kitchen as a reminder of what would happen should I utter those two little words.
Growing up with a reaction like that obviously had a profound impact on me. It made mealtimes stressful, resentful, and it made eating everything on my plate a priority. That transformed into me carrying that anger onwards to when I became a mother – my brain immediately went to my own experience. I have never treated my daughter the same way I was treated because I was able to self-reflect, break the cycle of disgusting behaviour, and I am modeling a healthy response when it is meal time.
I ask her if she is full or if she doesn’t like what is on her plate. I encourage her to eat a portion that is reasonable to her age and size. I look at how much I put on her plate because maybe I put too much on it. I talk to her, listen to her, calmly communicate with her. I don’t yell, I don’t scream, and I certainly don’t copy what my parents did! I am calm and responsible, and I know that it is not the end of the world if everything on her plate isn’t gobbled up.
While reflecting on ourselves not everything we look at will be like my example above; hard, maybe traumatic, frustrating or ugly.
There was another moment I can clearly remember when I picked my daughter up from after school care and she ran into my arms and cried. She had been teased at school and was feeling very low. I held her while we sat on the floor in the doorway to her after school care room. We sat there holding each other. I didn’t tell her to stop crying, and I didn’t immediately ask what was wrong, I simply sat with her cradled in my arms and let her feel what she was feeling and be embraced by her mum. Other parents stared at me, other children gawked at us, but I didn’t care because the most important person in my life needed me right then on that floor. Upon later reflection, I realised that I was proud of myself for how I handled that. I had gently scooted us slightly out of the way so other people could come in and out, and I showed her that there is nothing wrong with crying and breaking down in front of others, in being vulnerable, that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. I was proud that even though I was desperate to find out what was wrong and go right into fixing mode I simply held her and gave her the space and attention she needed. I was proud that I had shown patience and confidence and self-acceptance and acceptance of what was going on for her. I was proud of how I behaved as a mother that day.
Being self-reflective, and by extension self-aware, is what has enabled me to be continued striving to be the best mother I can be, to be a good friend, a good partner, a good colleague, and a good person. Yes, it is an ongoing daily practice, and it’s not always pleasant, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Why would you not want to be the type of person that you would be proud of? Why would you not want to be the person others can talk to, come to for advice, and trust? Why would you not want to exude confidence and humbleness? Why would you not want to have to tools to grow and to develop into the person you wanted to be?
So, what do you see when you look at yourself?
Be brave.
Be curious.
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