Not going to lie, but I’ve heard the term ‘self-love’ soooo many times over the years that when I used to hear it I would go “ehhh!”. I kind of put it in the same realm as the words ‘exercise’ or ‘dieting’ or ‘puss’ or ‘alarms’… ehhh! There were negative connotations around those words, and the term ‘self-love’ always sounded a bit flaky to me and for a long time it just sounded like a concept meant to brush things aside and to ‘just feel happy’.
But… self-love really is a thing! It’s getting the right information about what self-love IS and ISN’T and reframing it in your mind.
And what better time to look at SELF-LOVE than on Valentines Day <3
So…
WHAT IS SELF-LOVE?
According to ‘Positive Psychology .com’;
“Self-Love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth”.
According to ‘Psych Central’;
“Self-love is comprised of five components:
self-cherishing self-acceptance self-restraint self-responsibility * self-persistence
According to the study authors, these components appear in your life across four dimensions: self, family, others, and society.
In other words, when you show self-love, it affects more than just you — it impacts how you engage with the world around you.”
And finally, according to ‘Better Up’;
“Self-love means that you have an appreciation, affinity, and positive regard for yourself. It’s closely related to self-esteem and self-compassion. When you have a strong sense of self-love, you understand your own value and treat yourself in a loving way.
Unlike narcissism, which is excessive self-absorption and self-interest, self-love is a positive trait. Loving yourself means having a good understanding of both your strengths and weaknesses. Narcissism is generally associated with poor mental health. But high self-love has a positive effect on your well-being, mental fitness, and your relationships.”
The way I see it, self-love is treating yourself the way you treat others and the way we would want others to treat us. That includes the way we speak to ourselves and about ourselves, how we care for ourselves, and understanding ourselves. It’s not to be confused with self-absorption and becoming arrogant.
For me self-love is about being open, honest, humble, gentle and exploratory with who I am.
Self-love is important as it produces a more positive mindset and creates more positive behaviours. It can protect us from negative thoughts, self-sabotage and being unreasonable with ourselves. Self-love is about finding balance. It’s about considering your mental and physical wellbeing when making decisions.
Over the years of me not practising self-love and doing a lot of inner reflection I came to notice how nasty and neglectful I was to myself. When I became a parent, I also started to notice that my daughter saw the way I treated and spoke to myself. She started to say some mean things about herself, and I was certainly the one to blame, because she was copying me. The influence you have over others shouldn’t be ignored, especially as a parent, and not only emanating but also living healthy can have a positive effect on the people around you.
HOW TO IMPLEMENT SELF-LOVE?
Now, practising self-love is where it can get tricky. It’s certainly not a one-time statement to yourself where you proclaim your undying love and draw a heart around your own picture, it’s actually a lot of things that you build into your daily habits. Self-love is also completely unique to you. Affirmations for example work for a lot of people, but they don’t work for me. Taking some time out to be by myself is great for me when I need to recharge, but others like to be surrounding by people. It’ll take time and effort to figure out what works best for you but below are some ideas on where to start.
First thing to think about is your WHY. Why do you want to improve your self-love?
Figuring out your WHY for anything is important because if it’s not quite on the money for where you are at and where you want to be, it’s all to easy to give up.
For me, my WHY is my daughter. I want to live by example for her, and if my self-love ranges from ‘bugger all’ to ‘non-existent’ then she will copy. If I speak kindly to myself, and I take care of myself, if I am my own best friend, then she will copy that too. My WHY has evolved over the years and I not only do it for her, but I now do it for me, as well as for others in my life that I care about.
Second, I would recommend some self-reflection and getting to know yourself.
I love the way Better Up describes self-reflection and exploration as thinking of it like starting a new relationship. Whatever type of relationship you begin there is a learning curve. Ask yourself questions, write down what works and what doesn’t work, and try new things. Be curious. Explore. Try again if something doesn’t work. Invest. Be patient. Be kind. Be brave in sitting with yourself to see how you tick and identify what habits you want to change.
What am I good at?
What are my strengths?
What do I enjoy? What helps me to relax?
What gives me a sense of fulfillment?
What reduces my anxiety?
How do I take care of myself? Am I healthy?
Is how I treat myself and care for myself the same as how I would treat my child/spouse/best friend?
What things do I enjoy or give me a boost that are also realistic? For example, shopping might make someone happy but spending within your means is more important, as well as shopping is a dopamine hit and we’re exploring long term activities and actions.
Is this good for me? Is it providing me with fulfillment? Is it maintainable?
Third, how do you treat the person/people you love most?
It’s funny but we often treat others the way we would want to be treated. We could be that person that will make a home cooked meal, pick up that thing from the shops that your special person only mentioned once, or you could buy them flowers. You could be that person that is consistently verbalising how you feel about them, giving them compliments, or pointing out what they’ve done well. You could be that person cuddles, holds hands, kisses and likes to touch others to show affection.
How we treat those around us is often a clue as to what we like. So reflecting on that can give us some ideas.
For me I am a doer. I like to do things for people; write them a note, get them a coffee, do a chore at home that my partner normally does if he is stressed so I can alleviate that from his load. Applying this to me I would do those same things for myself. I maintain my home, I will buy myself that $10 smoothie once in a while, I will put time aside to do things that enjoy.
SELF-LOVE ACTIVITY TIPS
1. Catching on when I am not treating myself with kindness and respect. This has taken me a loooooong time to build upon but with practice, and practice, and practice, I can now catch myself saying something degrading, rude, negative or disrespectful about myself and I then reframe it. I will look at what I have said and honestly look at if it is true or not. I will speak kindly to myself and motivate myself instead.
Having this question in your mind – would I treat/speak to my loved ones like this?
2. Creativity – whether that’s drawing, painting, sewing, creating a post, journaling, or escaping into a good fantasy book, I always feel replenished afterwards. These things really refill my cup and (within reason) I will prioritise time to be creative.
3. Taking care of my body. I drink a lot of water, and I try to eat healthy while being reasonable and balancing having a cheat night. I like getting my nails done because it feels good and I dopamine dress (more on that later)
4. Going to bed early – not going to lie I still struggle with this one a lot, but I know that I am unproductive, cranky, depressed and unfocused without good sleep. Yeah, sometimes things can’t be helped, but trying to stick to a bedtime routine is important for me.
5. Knowing when to say no and when to say yes. Checking in with my mind and body when I am needing to schedule an appointment, or I am asked to hang out with a friend. It’s about balancing your responsibilities with what you are needing. For example, if my friend is needing my support, I’m there. If my friend is needing my support, but it’s not a crisis, and I am not in a good headspace then I will reschedule.
6. Planning – I know that if I have a therapy session, I need at least two days to recharge afterwards. If I can, I won’t schedule anything within a two-day period of having a therapy session to give myself that space and time.
7. Setting and upholding boundaries – wow this is a tough one. Definitely not there yet, but I’m trying and that’s what counts. Setting boundaries and more importantly enforcing them can be really tricky but boundaries are what protects your peace, and you’re the only one who can do that.
8. Communicating – something so crucial to prioritising your self-love is being open to the people that are around you. I am always doing a pulse check with my partner just so he knows where I am at and if I am needing to prioritise my self-love more at that time and why. I share with him if I am good or if I am bad, and most of the time it’s just so he is aware, but other times it’s to ask for his help or support with something. Communicating with him and knowing when I need to ask for help is a huge part of my self-care. I used to keep things bottled up and I would always assume things, but no one is a mind reader, and being open with him always enables me to care for myself as well as our family.
Thank you for joining me!
Love C! xo
Let me know below, how do you practice self-love?
If this sounds like something up your alley you could try a self-care plan
SOURCES:
Better Up https://www.betterup.com/blog/self-love
Proud Happy Brave https://proudhappybrave.com/what-is-self-love/
Positive Psychology https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-self-love/
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