Mental Health

Self-Reflection

“Curiouser and curiouser!”

~ Alice In Wonderland ~

What do you see when you look at yourself?

Being self-reflective is the act of thinking, exploring, having openness and curiosity.

It’s about looking at how we think, speak, act, behave and looking at our motivations that drives us to do what we do.

It’s looking inward and asking ourselves questions.

It’s being introspective.

It’s being explorative.

I think the act of self-reflection is like the story of Alice in Wonderland. She was curious, curious to follow the white rabbit to find out why. Why was he late? What was he late for? Where was he going?

It can be unnerving going down that rabbit hole because you don’t know what you are going to see along the way. But once you start, you’ll be one step closer to discovering who you are, why you are the way you are, and you’ll be in the perfect position to make changes to become the person you want to be.

WHY PRACTICE SELF-REFLECTION?

It can be uncomfortable looking at ourselves. It can be confronting, sometimes jarring. But it is enlightening as well. Self-reflection isn’t only about looking at our thoughts, behaviours and motivations that are negative, it’s about looking at our positive ones as well. It provides a healthier way of addressing ourselves and improving on those areas that we deem are not suitable to how we want to be. It gives us an openness and a curiosity into who we are. It gives us acceptance of our strengths and our abilities. It gives us a platform to then change what we want to change and enhance what we want to enhance.

Self-reflection and self-awareness are closely related.

Self-reflection is the action of thinking about our actions, reactions and motivations.

Self-awareness is a state; it’s a level of understanding you have about your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

HOW TO PRACTICE SELF-REFLECTION?

When I have a thought, when I say something, when I do something I look at:

Why did I think that? Why did I say that? Why did I do that?

What was the motivation behind that? What was the origin of that behaviour?

Do I like it? Do I not like it?

Do I want to change that? How can I change that?

When I became a mother, I vowed to live by example. That is a steeper hill to climb that it may appear at first glance. I look at every single thing I do and I ask myself, “would I want my daughter to do the same?” “is this a good example to set?”

Children come out almost blank canvases. They copy what we do and what we say. They take on board how we treat ourselves, others, how we treat them, and they can take it as gospel. They do what we do and if what we are portraying isn’t healthy then that flows onto them. You don’t realise your personal bias', the influence your upbringing had on you, or how your experiences have shaped you quite like becoming a parent.

One night my daughter and I were eating dinner and she told me was full. She had barely touched her plate and my immediate reflex was to snap. I frowned at her and told her she needed to eat more. She started to whine and told me she was too full and didn’t want to eat anymore and wanted to leave the table. My instinctual reaction to that was to flare with anger. Thankfully, years of practicing self-reflection and being self-aware, I took a breath and stopped. I sat there, I looked at her, trying to calm the storm decimating my brain. I had no idea why I was feeling so angry. I let her leave the table and play while I continued to sit there staring at my plate like an idiot not having any idea why I had such a visceral reaction to her telling me she didn’t want to eat anymore.

(TRIGGER WARNING) While sitting there and frowning I reflected on my upbringing. I remembered what would happen when I declared the same thing to my parents and the dread that would come over me, even though all I wanted was to not eat anymore. I was yelled at, and more, and was never excused from the table until I ate everything, made to feel guilty because there were “starving children in the world” and I was punished. I was always made to feel blame, shame and ungrateful for simply being full. It was years of this, including the addition of a wooden spoon being hung near our kitchen as a reminder of what would happen should I utter those two little words.

Growing up with a reaction like that obviously had a profound impact on me. It made mealtimes stressful, resentful, and it made eating everything on my plate a priority. That transformed into me carrying that anger onwards to when I became a mother – my brain immediately went to my own experience. I have never treated my daughter the same way I was treated because I was able to self-reflect, break the cycle of disgusting behaviour, and I am modeling a healthy and reasonable response when it is meal time.

I ask her if she is full or if she doesn’t like what is on her plate. I encourage her to eat a portion that is reasonable to her age and size. I look at how much I put on her plate because maybe I put too much on it. I talk to her, listen to her, calmly communicate with her. I don’t yell, I don’t scream, and I certainly don’t copy what my parents did! I am calm and responsible, and I know that it is not the end of the world if everything on her plate isn’t gobbled up.

While reflecting on ourselves not everything we look at will be like my example above; hard, maybe traumatic, frustrating or ugly. It can also be beautiful.

There was another moment I can remember clear as day, when I picked my daughter up from after school care and she ran into my arms and cried. She had been teased at school and was feeling very low. I held her while we sat on the floor in the doorway to her after school care room. We sat there holding each other. I didn’t tell her to stop crying, and I didn’t immediately ask what was wrong, I simply sat with her cradled in my arms and let her feel what she was feeling and be embraced by her mum. I told her that 'Mamma is here, and I love you" on repeat. I told her she was safe. Other parents stared at me, other children gawked at us, but I didn’t care because the most important person in my life needed me right then on that floor. Upon later reflection, I realised that I was proud of myself for how I handled that. I had gently scooted us slightly out of the way so other people could come in and out, and I showed her that there is nothing wrong with crying and breaking down in front of others, in being vulnerable, that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. I was proud that even though I was desperate to find out what was wrong and go right into fixing mode I simply held her and gave her the space and attention she needed. I was proud that I had shown patience and confidence and self-acceptance and acceptance of what was going on for her. I was proud of how I behaved as a mother that day.

Being self-reflective, and by extension self-aware, is what has enabled me to be continued striving to be the best mother I can be, to be a good friend, a good partner, a good colleague, and a good person. Yes, it is an ongoing daily practice, and it’s not always pleasant, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Why would you not want to be the type of person that you would be proud of? Why would you not want to be the person others can talk to, come to for advice, and trust? Why would you not want to exude confidence and humbleness? Why would you not want to have to tools to grow and to develop into the person you wanted to be?

So, what do you see when you look at yourself?

Be brave.

Be curious.

Thank you for joining me_20250209_165444_0000.png

Self-Love

Not going to lie, but I’ve heard the term ‘self-love’ soooo many times over the years that when I used to hear it I would go “ehhh!”. I kind of put it in the same realm as the words ‘exercise’ or ‘dieting’ or ‘pustule’ or ‘alarms’… ehhh! There were negative connotations around those words, and the term ‘self-love’ always sounded a bit flaky to me and for a long time it just sounded like a concept meant to brush things aside and to ‘just feel happy’.

But… self-love really is a thing! It’s getting the right information about what self-love IS and ISN’T and reframing it in your mind.

And what better time to look at SELF-LOVE than on Valentines Day

WHAT IS SELF-LOVE?

According to ‘Positive Psychology .com’;

“Self-Love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth”.

According to ‘Psych Central’;

“Self-love is comprised of five components:

* self-cherishing * self-acceptance * self-restraint * self-responsibility * self-persistence

According to the study authors, these components appear in your life across four dimensions: self, family, others, and society.

In other words, when you show self-love, it affects more than just you — it impacts how you engage with the world around you.”

And finally, according to ‘Better Up’;

“Self-love means that you have an appreciation, affinity, and positive regard for yourself. It’s closely related to self-esteem and self-compassion. When you have a strong sense of self-love, you understand your own value and treat yourself in a loving way.

Unlike narcissism, which is excessive self-absorption and self-interest, self-love is a positive trait. Loving yourself means having a good understanding of both your strengths and weaknesses. Narcissism is generally associated with poor mental health. But high self-love has a positive effect on your well-being, mental fitness, and your relationships.”

The way I see it, self-love is treating yourself the way you treat others and the way we would want others to treat us. That includes the way we speak to ourselves and about ourselves, how we care for ourselves, and understanding ourselves. It’s not to be confused with self-absorption and becoming arrogant.

For me self-love is about being open, honest, humble, gentle and exploratory with who I am.

Self-love is important as it produces a more positive mindset and creates more positive behaviours. It can protect us from negative thoughts, self-sabotage and being unreasonable with ourselves. Self-love is about finding balance. It’s about considering your mental and physical wellbeing when making decisions.

Over the years of me not practising self-love and doing a lot of inner reflection I came to notice how nasty and neglectful I was to myself. When I became a parent, I also started to notice that my daughter saw the way I treated and spoke to myself. She started to say some mean things about herself, and I was certainly the one to blame, because she was copying me. The influence you have over others shouldn’t be ignored, especially as a parent, and not only emanating but also living healthy can have a positive effect on the people around you.

HOW TO IMPLEMENT SELF-LOVE?

Now, practicing self-love is where it can get tricky. It’s certainly not a one-time statement to yourself where you proclaim your undying love and draw a heart around your own picture, it’s actually a lot of things that you build into your daily habits. Self-love is also completely unique to you. Affirmations for example work for a lot of people, but they don’t work for me. Taking some time out to be by myself is great for me when I need to recharge, but others like to be surrounding by people. It’ll take time and effort to figure out what works best for you but below are some ideas on where to start.

First thing to think about is your WHY. Why do you want to improve your self-love?

Figuring out your WHY for anything is important because if it’s not quite on the money for where you are at and where you want to be, it’s all to easy to give up.

For me, my WHY is my daughter. I want to live by example for her, and if my self-love ranges from ‘bugger all’ to ‘non-existent’ then she will copy. If I speak kindly to myself, and I take care of myself, if I am my own best friend, then she will copy that too. My WHY has evolved over the years and I not only do it for her, but I now do it for me, as well as for others in my life that I care about.

Second, I would recommend some self-reflection and getting to know yourself.

I love the way Better Up describes self-reflection and exploration as thinking of it like starting a new relationship. Whatever type of relationship you begin there is a learning curve. Ask yourself questions, write down what works and what doesn’t work, and try new things. Be curious. Explore. Try again if something doesn’t work. Invest. Be patient. Be kind. Be brave in sitting with yourself to see how you tick and identify what habits you want to change.

What am I good at?

What are my strengths?

What do I enjoy?
What helps me to relax?

What gives me a sense of fulfillment?

What reduces my anxiety?

How do I take care of myself? Am I healthy?

Is how I treat myself and care for myself the same as how I would treat my child/spouse/best friend?

What things do I enjoy or give me a boost that are also realistic? For example, shopping might make someone happy but spending within your means is more important, as well as shopping is a dopamine hit and we’re exploring long term activities and actions.

Is this good for me? Is it providing me with fulfillment? Is it maintainable?

Third, how do you treat the person/people you love most?

It’s funny but we often treat others the way we would want to be treated. We could be that person that will make a home cooked meal, pick up that thing from the shops that your special person only mentioned once, or you could buy them flowers. You could be that person that is consistently verbalising how you feel about them, giving them compliments, or pointing out what they’ve done well. You could be that person cuddles, holds hands, kisses and likes to touch others to show affection.

How we treat those around us is often a clue as to what we like. So reflecting on that can give us some ideas.

For me I am a doer. I like to do things for people; write them a note, get them a coffee, do a chore at home that my partner normally does if he is stressed so I can alleviate that from his load. Applying this to me I would do those same things for myself. I maintain my home, I will buy myself that $10 smoothie once in a while, I will put time aside to do things that enjoy.

SELF-LOVE ACTIVITY TIPS

1. Catching on when I am not treating myself with kindness and respect. This has taken me a loooooong time to build upon but with practice, and practice, and practice, I can now catch myself saying something degrading, rude, negative or disrespectful about myself and I then reframe it. I will look at what I have said and honestly look at if it is true or not. I will speak kindly to myself and motivate myself instead.

Having this question in your mind – would I treat/speak to my loved ones like this?

2. Creativity – whether that’s drawing, painting, sewing, creating a post, journalling, or escaping into a good fantasy book, I always feel replenished afterwards. These things really refill my cup and (within reason) I will prioritise time to be creative.

3. Taking care of my body. I drink a lot of water, and I try to eat healthy while being reasonable and balancing having a cheat night. I like getting my nails done because it feels good and I dopamine dress (more on that later)

4. Going to bed early – not going to lie I still struggle with this one a lot, but I know that I am unproductive, cranky, depressed and unfocused without good sleep. Yeah, sometimes things can’t be helped, but trying to stick to a bedtime routine is important for me.

5. Knowing when to say no and when to say yes. Checking in with my mind and body when I am needing to schedule an appointment, or I am asked to hang out with a friend. It’s about balancing your responsibilities with what you are needing. For example, if my friend is needing my support, I’m there. If my friend is needing my support, but it’s not a crisis, and I am not in a good headspace then I will reschedule.

6. Planning – I know that if I have a therapy session, I need at least two days to recharge afterwards. If I can, I won’t schedule anything within a two-day period of having a therapy session to give myself that space and time.

7. Setting and upholding boundaries – wow this is a tough one. Definitely not there yet, but I’m trying and that’s what counts. Setting boundaries and more importantly enforcing them can be really tricky but boundaries are what protects your peace, and you’re the only one who can do that.

8. Communicating – something so crucial to prioritising your self-love is being open to the people that are around you. I am always doing a pulse check with my partner just so he knows where I am at and if I am needing to prioritise my self-love more at that time and why. I share with him if I am good or if I am bad, and most of the time it’s just so he is aware, but other times it’s to ask for his help or support with something. Communicating with him and knowing when I need to ask for help is a huge part of my self-care. I used to keep things bottled up and I would always assume things, but no one is a mind reader, and being open with him always enables me to care for myself as well as our family.

Thank you for joining me!

Let me know below, how do you practice self-love?

If this sounds like something up your alley you could try a self-care plan

https://www.betterup.com/blog/self-care-plan

SOURCES:

Better Up https://www.betterup.com/blog/self-love

Proud Happy Brave https://proudhappybrave.com/what-is-self-love/

Psych Central https://psychcentral.com/health/what-is-self-love-and-why-is-it-so-important#signs

Positive Psychology https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-self-love/